Hello 2011!

I'm so glad that 2010 is over. It brought me a lot of growth and a lot of realisations, but it has not been an easy year.

I expect 2011 to also not be an easy year. There will be lots of changes that I can already predict, and no doubt others that I don't even have an inkling of.

I tend to make simple resolutions - it helps me remember and stick to them. Last year I didn't even have one, I was just letting the year come as it would. This year, I would very much like to live my way. You'd think this would be an easy thing to do, but not for me. There have always been restrictions and barriers that I could not alter. This year, I'm tearing some down, perhaps enough to finally figure out how I want to live and to add a bit of the fun and freedom to my life I've been aching for.

I happened to be reading my mini-bio to the right there ... the one you all see when you come to my blog and which I hardly pay any attention to. I mention wanting to share here what I felt was stifled elsewhere. Then this blog got stifled too, by the fear of sharing too much, and not wanting my previous Master to see just what I was thinking and feeling ... that right there should have been a big warning. Honestly, a lot of the time that's missing wasn't that great. I shouldn't have to care who follows this.

So, here's to a year that's worth recording.

I'm Emotional

And I'm tired of being punished for that fact.

Also, I'm an emotional vampire. Or maybe mirror, I don't know. I tend to reflect and experience what others around me are feeling.

I need to stop dating unhappy people.

So, its been a while ...

So long a while, I almost forgot my password.

So much has happened in the past ... nineteen and a half months, wow.

I was in a long term relationship which I knew would end, and in which I didn't even love.

I found that straightjackets, rubber, and chastity belts are definitely not for me, among other things.

My emotional fragility and rawness, when I drop the shields in collar, was made very very clear.

I know that the animal in me reeeaaaally wants to get out.

I helped build and then stepped away from multiple BDSM community projects. The next I make will be my vision, though I know I will need help.

And I got to find out what it means to actually WANT someone ... and not have them. It made clear that I have never actually wanted anyone before. And I am terrified that it will never happen again.

I make no promises, but I am still here.

Double HNT: Happy Holidays!

Because I was slack/busy/disorganised so much last thrusday (Christmas Day!) you get the one I was intending to post last week! Lucky you!

The theme last week was three wishes. A potent and loaded theme. But to be simple, here are my wishes for you, all my readers: good friends, good food, and cheer. I got something of each this Christmas, and I hope you did too.

To grant three different wishes however, I offer you this gift. Phoenix Aflame, myself, and Dee. Three girls to fulfill three very different fantasies. Are you dreaming yet?





For the year's favourite ... I actually have no idea what to post, there are some beautiful photos posted here (to be modest for a moment). So instead, I'll let you choose. Cast your vote for your favourite HNT, the one that sticks in your memory and that you don't have to go fishing for, and I shall post a slight variation of it (or the same again if you really want).

HNT: My Favourite Things

This picture contains a few of my favourite things - cuffs, rope, and my mink blanket. Does it contain some of your favourite things too?

This HNT (way off theme as it is) is lucky number 13. HHNT people.

I have a New Master

I had lunch with the Gorean Master from the party last week on saturday, to sort out my own head and talk with him. Lunch went on for a while, and afterwards neither of us seemed particularly keen to go anywhere so we wandered around downtown for a bit. In fact, neither of us really wanted to leave each other's company, so, we didn't.

He drove me home - with my hands cuffed behind me - and I went to fetch what I needed for the rest of the day. Shortly after heading out he pulled over and had me lie down on the back seat, where he cuffed me again, blindfolded me and bound my ankles. I'd just been 'abducted'.

It was a long drive back to his place. I didn't even know where the heck we were going, though I could tell when we got on the motorway. It was a very sublime experience, lying tied in the backseat with no visual reference, with him murmuring things to me to keep me in the headspace (like I wasn't there already) and occasionally reaching back to fondle me. Most definitely thrilling.

Once at his place he unbound my ankles but left me blindfolded and handcuffed as he lead me inside and up to the living room, where I knelt on the rug while he straightened things up and got changed. It was certainly something to have him take off the blindfold and be confronted with him decked out all in viking gear, complete with drinking horn (a Torvaldslander, perhaps?) and also didn't give me much time to process the rest of the room before he drew the blade at his hip, pressed it to my throat and gave me the traditional Gorean option of servitude or death. I could tell the knife was blunt but damn what a head rush. You know which one I picked, and I drank from his horn.

He stood me up and switched my cuffs for a sirik. I still hadn't had time to even process the room we were in, the world might as well have been just us. Interesting mind trick. He stood me on his shield and sliced my clothes off me (prearranged, so at least I wasn't losing anything I didn't know would be lost!) and had himself a little 'auction' to ritualistically buy me. Gor is full of rituals, but this was the first time I'd ever really experienced any of them. All Gorean slaves are sold naked. I was frightened, my tension showed it, and it wasn't lost on him. We might have played before and I trusted him, but I still had no real idea what he wanted of me (as a matter of fact, I still don't).

I couldn't exactly say the rest of the day was 'languid', but it wasn't as fast-paced as a BDSM scene. Unfortunately I tend to remember the bad bits more clearly than the good bits. I spent a time in the kitchen doing his dishes, and he spanked me with the wooden spoon I had neglected, which left me blubbering like a baby for a good while. My ass was still tingling from it when I woke up the next day, and it actually left faint bruises. He tested out several of his floggers on me through the day, pushing past my pain threshold with each but thankfully not far, and he also got out a hitachi vibrator twice and left me a puddle of orgasmic mush. The second time was with some painfully tight nipple clamps in place, and he took them off with vibrator in place. The pain was enough that it actually denied me orgasm despite being on the brink.

One ritual that I had been hoping would be neglected was the initiatory whipping. Well, it wasn't neglected, not in the slightest. He took me down to his dungeon and had me straddle a horizontal, padded pole, chaining my wrists and fitting a spreader bar. He had quite an impressive array to use on me, but the first he brought out was my tiny little red suede flogger. I will never, ever underestimate that little thing ever again because he made it bloody HURT! They all bloody hurt, I was crying through most of it, though he gave me time to recover and he told me later that he was only using a fraction of his full strength. He spent a fair bit of time comforting me, and then took me home. It had gone past ten and we hadn't even stopped for dinner.

The first day for a slave is hardly typical. I don't think I could stay with him if he pushed me as hard as he did that day on a regular basis. I guess I won't really find out until our next day together.

He's picked out a slave name for me, but I don't get to hear it until the next time we're together. He's also sending me some fabric to make up some slave garments with. I probably haven't represented events completely clearly here, like I said I frequently remember the bad clearer than the good, but I do remember that it felt right, and I can't wait to see where it goes. For the first time in months I feel truly sexual and sensual again, the barriers are dropping, and I am finally free again to grow.

Gorean-space

Out of the blue on saturday I got an invite for a play party that night. I wasn't even sure if I was going to go, it was already getting late by the time I saw the email. I did though, and I'm glad I did. The guy who invited me gave me a lift, and on the way there I found out he is in fact a Gorean Master.

Shock, wonder. A Gorean Master, a single Gorean Master, a local single Gorean Master. Maybe there's still hope for me here after all. If it weren't for his age I would definitely try things with him, but he must be at least twice my age, so I don't know ...

The party itself was well underway by the time we arrived. There were the remains of a barbeque, and a huge chocolate cake for later (as it was the host's birthday party). There were several rooms set up for play, with signs everywhere that this was a very kinky household. I'm going to have to get tips when I'm creating my own hardware.

I didn't really have any intention of playing, just to go with the flow. I'd been missing my rope though, so during dessert I changed into my tight, short (very short) black dress and pulled out the rope with the idea to challenge the doms present to tie me so I couldn't wiggle free.

I didn't get very far with that plan though. The Gorean wound the rope about my waist and led me to one of the play rooms. He took me by the hair, set me on my knees and cuffed my hands behind me. Instant subspace. To an observer it probably wouldn't have looked like he was doing much as he continued, but he manipulated me so well. I was trembling almost the entire time.

He had this neat device, a serving tray that could be strapped on so it could be carried with my hands still cuffed behind me. It was almost too big to be secured about my waist, but he put it on over the ropework, and took me out to the living room where most of the guests were. I am glad for the mirror that was on the wall so I could see him through most of the room as he added first his drink, then mine to the tray. If I hadn't been so spaced I think I would have felt rather foolish, it wasn't exactly an elegant piece of equipment ... I feel rather foolish remembering now.


He took me back to the play room, took off the tray and undid the ropework. Then he had me kiss his boots. It's not something I have done before, nor something I had even thought of as appealing, but hey, he had nice clean boots, and I didn't hesitate. The smell of the leather, kneeling small at his feet, it is as intoxicating as I had imagined. I ended up stopping the kissing fairly quickly and just lay there, breathing the scent of the leather and basking. He unhooked the cuffs and brought my wrists up to cross before me, my head lifting but still bowed, kneeling with my thighs spread. He asked if I knew this position.

Oh like anyone even vaguely familiar with Gor could not know it. He put me in the position of submission. Did this mean he really wanted me for his own? Could I live up to his expectations? Did I want to? It was too much for me, and sent me into subdrop.

I'd avoided doing any serious play for this reason, because I knew it would end in a crash. I've been aching for it for so long, but I'm still scared. Scared of being hurt again, of failing, of falling in love when it could never be permanent. I want my next relationship to be one that can last, but am I just setting myself up to be lonely for a very, very long time?


I am still thinking things over and don't really know what I am going to do, but despite the fact that the little period of submission had been a complete surprise and not negotiated in the slightest, I don't regret it. He stayed with me through the drop and made sure I was okay, the scene reminded me just how wonderful Gor and submission could be, and it's brought my sex drive back to life. Oh has it ever, I've been daydreaming ever since.