Fear

The horrible week is finally over. There is still the not-quite-so-horrible week to go, and then exams, but after that, I hope to just relax for a while and cruise. And that should mean a lot more posts, hopefully.

So, a friend of mine sent me a writing prompt in response to my last post: What is my scariest experience in BDSM.

This is a difficult question for me to answer, because while there is fear, I don't remember it. It tends to get drowned out by the thrill and the later euphoria.

For example, I was scared when, at a play party, my Master of the time pushed me against the host's fridge with her standing there watching (damn that thing was cold), and proceeded to thrash me with the flogger she had loaned him. But I was excited too. I've always had a fear of floggers (and canes too for that matter, but I have yet to experience one), because they are designed and used to inflict pain, and with my low pain tolerance it can quickly become overwhelming. But I trusted him, and while it hurt, he didn't push me past my limit. Knowing that he wouldn't, trusting that any dom I've been with wouldn't, has been what's tempered my fear and made it the minor emotion.

No, the scariest experience I've had I don't even think of as BDSM any more. It was abuse, plain and simple.

He struck me across the face. Then I was terrified, because I didn't know what else he would do. I was desperate not to anger him again, and I then went further than I ever should have, had already gone further than I should have. He didn't hit me that hard, but there was no warning, no negotiation, no consent. It was no longer and never was BDSM, simply abuse.

And if I ever see him again I don't know if I'll go crazy and smack him silly or just break down in tears. I'm still scared that he'll turn up to a local munch one day.

That there is bad fear. The good fear, the thrilling fear, that fades quickly as you sink into the pure sensation, I hope will never reach that intensity.


EDIT
I'm wrong, there was another really scary experience that I was reminded of tonight.

I had been tied quite thoroughly spread eagle, I was blindfolded, and next thing he was slicing away my clothes with a knife while whispering all sorts of awful things to me. Total mind fuck.