HNT - All Tied Up

From my professional shoot.
What better way to be 'half-nekkid' than with items of bondage? :D

The Importance of Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Up until just now I had no idea what I was going to name this post, but I think it fitting. If I hadn't kept my mouth shut, the reason for me writing would not have happened, which would have been a real shame and probably would have made the day rather sour. Because this post is about play time.

For a bit more background, the Satyr and I used to go out. There were unfortunately various problems, some linked to past trauma of mine, and quite a few to do with communication. When we finally sat down and talked things through we found we wanted quite different things. I'm very glad that we've remained close - there's very few I can be really at ease around.

Being at ease unfortunately doesn't mean being open. I don't know what keeps me from doing so with him, it might be the previously-mentioned trauma, but as he is the only one I've started a new relationship with since then I can't be sure. Its led to some awkward situations and some major miscommunication.

On Friday night he came around for the watching of dvds. Unexpectedly we ended up having the house to ourselves. There were many warm cuddles, and some serious flirting. Some serious serious flirting. Yet I could still feel that wall inside, that damned wall that despite being so at ease with him just would not crumble, jabbing at my insides whenever I gave it a nudge. I have to wonder if it gives me a glazed look or something from his comments. No sweet Satyr, you're not meant to know what that look means, that's the whole purpose of a mask. I was almost literally biting my tongue at his question - first instance of keeping my mouth shut. Its never a good topic, almost guaranteed to leave me in tears.

At one point I offered to show him a rather revealing piece of lingerie I had recently acquired. And then to model it. It was a rather cold night, so it took a bit of mental prodding on my own part, but I so wanted to see that look on his face, and I was certainly rewarded when he stepped back into my room. His hands were cold to start, but it felt so good to be touched again, and they warmed fast. In fact the whole room got quite warm fast, warm enough for him to shed his jersey, and for my shaking to not be from the chill any more.

He pulled me onto his lap, whispering in my ear just what he could do with me in such a garment, his hands demonstrating hot on the heels of his words. The panicky part of me was yelling to tell him to say, not show. That night though it had fallen in a pit and was sounding rather faint, so I was actually able to tell it to shut up. Second instance of keeping my mouth shut.

Then he swept me up in his arms and laid me down on my bed, and that's when I felt the wall finally vanish, laid out trembling and vulnerable beneath him.

Is it any wonder that I enjoy submission so much when its the only time I feel like myself?

I love to feel a man's hands on me. I love to writhe and squirm and moan for them, to show them what a slut I can be, to delight them with my responses. I can't stop to think with him touching me, and that's probably a good thing, because odds are I would over-analyse the situation. His hands on my skin, on my breasts, inside me, that's all there is.

Then he asked if I would like him to cum.

Oh crap, here? On my bed?

Many times I've felt like a selfish lover with him, getting off so much from his touch, never giving the same in return, and always feeling guilty. As much as I want him to enjoy as much as I am, I hit that mental block again. Yet more trauma scars. How can I ask him to leave, or to wait? I know what it is prompting such a response, but I can't even trust myself to speak, for fear of spoiling it all.

So I say nothing, and trust and hope that he will do what he feels comfortable with.

Soon enough he frees his cock, as big and hard as I have ever seen it, and strokes himself to orgasm. And I am very glad that I kept my mouth shut, because I liked seeing just how much he enjoyed it too, despite my initial reaction.

Curled up on the bed with him, the lingerie long ago discarded, we basked and dozed and chatted. I could feel the wall going up again brick by brick. Sigh. But at least I had something warm and fuzzy to keep with me behind it until it came down again.

Was a much nicer return to reality than it could have been, as we were still like that when we heard my mother in the hallway, having completely missed the door, and snapping the wall up that fast isn't so nice. I'm glad I had been in a dressing gown already before she left, so she wasn't surprised when I came out in it to divert her from poking in my room. Though she didn't know that now I was naked under it!

Unfinished Business

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but I seem to have lost my motivation fairy. I found a replacement tonight (thank you Dee) but I wish mine would come back!

Thursday night I had a sex dream. These are not all that uncommon for me (I had another one last night), but this one I felt was worth mentioning.

It took place in a medieval setting, stereotypical big stone castles and rocky moors, except with central heating and without the plagues and invasions (there was an ambush by raiders on one of the roads through the woods, but that doesn't really have anything to do with the main story). After a bit of fussing with several other women over clothes, we all went to a feast hosted by the king, quite a tall, well-muscled and handsome fellow. At some point during the dancing, the king came up to me and shouted to the hall that I was in fact fae. I immediately shed half my clothes, spouted wings and fled, with the king swiftly following after me.

For what seemed like days I flew across the rolling grass and rocky outcrops, sometimes flying low from exhaustion, and doubling back occasionally to see if the king was still pursuing me, which he was, with a full hunting party, but never did they make a move to strike at me and several times I got quite close. At one point when I was exhausted and flying quite low, my wing was injured on an outcrop, and so to escape the king, who had gotten quite close now, I flew to the top of a sheer cliff and sheltered in a tiny medieval-themed apartment, my wings vanishing once I set foot down, still in just my shift from the feast. And of course the king just appeared! (The impression I got was a hidden elevator right in the cliff, no magic here!)

He strode (yes, strode, definite emphasis) across the room, grabbed me tight and kissed me fiercely, whispering of how he lusted for me, and I trembled as I felt his need through every inch of him as he clutched me close. He dragged me, by now willingly, towards the bed, threw me down, looming over me as he reached to disrobe ... and then I woke up. Typical.

At least it made good fantasy fodder for morning masturbation. And afternoon masturbation too!

HNT

It might be warming spring breezes for the Northern Hemisphere, but here in the South its finally starting to get the winter bite. Perhaps a bit too cold to be stripping down for HNT?

Talk to the hand, winter cold!

I have enough stock to last, and send the Northern Hemisphere into boiling point.

Yes, I'm chipper tonight. Sorta.

May is Masturbation Month

Masturbating is a wonderful thing. Some bloggers are finding out just how wonderful by challenging themselves to daily masturbation through the entire month, like the gorgeous Dee has (see my blogroll for her stories and results). Myself, I was well aware of the benefits of such a daily ritual. I've previously gone a week of once or twice a day a few times, though unfortunately never a whole month. Either my hormone cycle or outside influences prevent that.

The major problem I have is that to masturbate requires a minimum level of energy, horniness and ... well, just lack of 'other things' that get in the way. Frequent masturbation lifts my spirits and my general enthusiasm for life measurably, but unfortunately to get to that high I have to start off at least somewhere midway. If May hadn't turned out to be such a terrible month for me, I would have loved to have joined Dee in her challenge. The way things have fallen out though, I've only had two orgasms in a fortnight. Pitifully few, and that is during the horniest part of my cycle. Stress really affects my sex drive, and right now I have a mountain of it.

But this isn't a blog about all those 'other things'. This is a blog purely about sex, and things to do with sex, and I intend to keep it that way. Right now I just really wish things would let up enough so I felt like writing about all the stuff I want to write about!

My First HNT

I've been in a bit of a slump lately, but this is a tradition that I still wanted to become a part of. And I mean NOW.

So for your viewing pleasure, the misbehaving blue dress of play-party fame.

No its not my crop, borrowed it from Phoenix for some 'domme'ish pics, and I look damned hot. Only hint of the theme you get from me is three pics.

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday

I am Woman

While I was thinking of things to write for my next post, a thought entered my head that threw me so much it brought up a whole new topic to discuss and I completely forgot what my original idea was. It went like this: "(blah blah blah) really satisfies me as a person."

I don't expect many, if any, people to understand what I find wrong about this thought. Have a think about it anyway before reading on.


I'm heavily influenced by Gorean philosophy. One of the big ideas put forward in the Gorean books is that the society of Earth has become choked, frustrated and stagnated sexually. The sexes have been merged into one genderless blob, rather than having our uniqueness acknowledged and celebrated. We are no longer man and woman, but 'people', the same, equal. (Granted this was written some time ago and deals purely in male/female poles, but by no means should anything in between or converts be ignored. If I end up slipping into the male and female poles its not to be leaving the rest out.)

My thought should have read "(blah blah blah) really satisfies me as a woman."

If I had been thinking of something mediocre or general, that is experienced pretty much the same by both genders, I doubt I would have even noticed that I had put 'person' instead of 'woman'. But I wasn't, I was thinking about sex. Based on your own physical gender and the gender of your partner, sex is experienced differently. Penetrative sex is an experience unique to man and woman. While gay couples might have penetrative sex, its in a different way and is a different experience, simply because of how we're built and how we're wired. Lesbian couples its different again. Even with a sex change, you're still you, genetically and psychologically.

So what really got me thinking is: why was I thinking in generic, sexless terms when expressing something that is so intrinsically linked to gender and sexual identity?

Despite knowing what sex was from quite a young age (its rather hard to ignore when you have a variety of birds and other pets doing it in your backyard) my sexuality was heavily repressed, at home and at school. I don't mean in the development of it though. My mother had gay friends and we were brought up to see them as no different than straights. There was a cross-dresser among the committees she was part of who was 'kind of weird' because he just liked to dress up and identify and didn't want a sex change. I'm glad that I didn't find out she was anti-bisexual until after I had figured out I was quite straight. Kind of mixed signals, but not repressive. What was repressive was in the expressing of it.

We were kind of a skin friendly household only up until the first of us started going to school. Sex was not discussed beyond 'this is birth control', 'this is where babies come from' and 'this guy likes guys instead of girls and that's okay'. A good foundation but not really expressive.

What I would really like to see is the ingrained sexiness of men and women celebrated. And I don't mean flooding our media with more images of sex and what sexiness and sexuality is, I mean learning that we are what we are, and that it is not only acceptable, but should be exciting and liberating. Our deepest darkest urges should not be so deep nor dark, we should not have to hide who we are and what turns us on. I think the truly vanilla would be shocked at how many kinky people would arise, and the supressed kinksters shocked as well. I could certainly do with a bit more choice among kinky partners.

So, yes. I am woman. I am sensual, sexual, and oh so kinky.

On Being an Oblivious, Chronically Shy Exhibitionist

There's so much I want to write about now. I guess that is a good sign that this blog will stay alive for a while yet (touch wood).

I am hot. Intellectually I know this, but really feeling it, on the other hand, is something completely different, and for the majority of the time it's beyond me. Because of this I often don't even notice when people are checking me out, although if I'm feeling a bit better and I actually dress to my mood I can watch jaws drop and eyes follow all day long. This is a rarity though, and more often I'm shrouded in jeans and a bulky jersey.

Coupled with this feeling is the fact that my social education sucks. Being the picked on outsider all through high school meant that during the time I was meant to be learning how to flirt and date and generally interact sociably, I was hiding in the most out-of-the-way, least populated corner I could find. My first boyfriend was over the internet and I never actually met him face to face.

So when someone is actually flirting with me often I am completely oblivious, or I don't notice until its far too late.

Case in point: Earlier this week while in a dvd store, I was oogling the stand of sci-fi series on special, and a guy next to me just started chatting with me. 'Oh, a strange guy is talking to me.' I was looking over the prices of stargate seasons, made some pleasant replies, then hurried off to catch my bus. Out on the street there was the niggling curiosity as to why he had even started talking to me in the first place. 'I'm in my ugly-jersey, he surely was just making idle conversation.' Only once I was actually on the bus did it actually strike: 'holy crap he was hitting on me!' And I didn't even get a good look at him! All I noticed was tall, suit and young. Now I really wish I had just looked up to see his face, if only for the memory.

*head-desk*

There is the other side of this as well. I might blush insanely when guys pay attention to me, but it's a real slap in the face when the reaction to my appearance of someone I'm chatting to, who is meant to be interested, amounts to 'eh'. Its happened more than once, and its been gut-wrenching every time. Its enough to send me into a hiding-phase for weeks.

And there's yet another side. Once all those layers of bad self-image, denial, shyness, are gone, striped away by good friends and good times, in a place I feel safe and secure, I become such a show off. With the right crowd it would actually take very little for me to strip down right to the buff and prance around naked for everyone's enjoyment, as seen at the previous play party, and several before that. I love seeing people's eyes follow me as I stroll by completely nude, or maybe adorned with a bit of rope or cuffs or chains. There is something so erotic about being stark naked in a room full of people fully clothed, even better if those people are kinky and dominant. I love my body, and I delight in showing it off, in baring myself to others, and I don't get to do it nearly enough. Despite the playparties, the very, very rare cam shows for very close net friends, and despite the nude prints a professional photographer is selling, I still don't think I get to show off enough. Its when I feel the most secure in my own skin.

Starting with a bit of a Bang

(No, not that kind of banging, unfortunately.)

Today I finally got the photos from the most recent play party I went to, which was very nearly two weeks ago now. 353 shots through the entire day. I think the cameras were a bit worn out afterwards.

I can't even remember who had mentioned it, at a small get-together after a local bdsm munch of a few close friends the weekend prior, of the possibility of having our own little play party, at an empty house the Satyr was sitting. I don't even know if everyone even took it seriously, but apparently enough did for it to become reality, and I'm so very glad it did.

The morning I spent with the Satyr taking sexy photos. It actually accounts for less than half the total I have. Some are truly drool-worthy and perhaps, with some editing, I'll post them later. It was a good warm-up. It gave me some time to relax and get comfortable in my own skin again, to help ease the chronic shyness I have. There was talk of having me all trussed up and blindfolded in time for people walking through the door, but alas, everyone turned up early! Within five minutes we had a full house.

It felt a bit strange at first as people settled into the idea of what we were here for. As the dress I had been modelling in at the time just would not behave, it quickly ended up on the floor and I spent a while lounging in the buff on my fuzzy mink rug (I can so recommend one of these for play, and not play - wonderful).

The length of black silky rope I had bought months and months beforehand was finally broken in with a karada, and boy it felt good. Kiana and her partner played with their hemp, and it wasn't long until Dee was laid out with Phoenix tormenting her with those delicious boots and a pretty purple crop. (I incidentally have photos with this crop and the misbehaving dress. I could be so hot as a domme.)

Somewhere along the line after a bit of cooling down Phoenix suggested a game of 'I have never ... wanna?' which turned out to be a spectacular idea. Phoenix had herself a good spanking and got nice and red. Satyr finally got to tie two girls together. The pegs were got out for me, and I think they just about had to sit on me to stop me squirming long enough just to find enough spare skin to attach them to. I wasn't quite paying attention at that time. They were medium pressure soft-edged pegs, the only kind I would let near me. And yeah, they hurt, and despite my complaining I still enjoyed it, and probably would enjoy them more with a better sub-high.

There was a full round of 'I have nevers' that I can't fully remember, before Phoenix got a turn at being mummified in plastic wrap, complete with spandex hood. It was certainly a hot scene, though it got rather lonely sitting on the couch just watching everyone else torment her. After some serious torture with the hitachi she was cut out and allowed to recover, and I got my turn as well (minus spandex hood - I felt too hot in the face with it on, so a couple of layered blindfolds for me).

Being wrapped up is certainly an interesting experience. They did two layers since the first was a touch loose, and laid me down. I could not tell what they were using but damn some of it tickled infuriatingly! Despite constant assurances that you couldn't feel the sting of impacts through the wrap, I so could. It was a lot more spread out and kind of muffled, but it still stung. The sting is what really hurts for me, but at least with the wrap it was just within limits. No doubt without the wrapping I would have been a huddled little ball of blubbering tears. I surprised people by being able to roll over on my own, and I think I surprised more than a few when, through my excessive writhing, I managed to split the wrapping. Left my ass bare to the cool air, and to further tormenting! I couldn't stop laughing and squealing. The hitachi on my nipples was enough to get me off with ease, and I so want to try it without the wrap now. On the absolute lowest setting!

Once I had recovered we all got dressed to go get food. I was in all black with strappy heels, and a steel-boned white brocade waist cincher. Yes I was trying to draw looks, how did you guess? Not sure how well I succeeded, though I did catch a few drivers staring through their darkened windscreens.

A game of strip pokerdice was had once all were fed, and once people began getting nakie (with winners stripping the losers, what fun!), forfeits were had with the winner of the round deciding something for the loser to do, or have done to them. Another first for me - having a girl suck my nipples. And despite being very straight I have no complaints!

Dee got trussed up spread-eagled (or as near as could be managed on a lazy-boy) and blindfolded, and everyone who wanted to got to have a go at teasing or tormenting her. She certainly looked like she was enjoying it, and after me looking pouty for a while the Satyr obliged by hogtying me and leaving me on the couch. A game I used to play with a previous Master involved him trying to hogtie me as securely as he could manage, and leaving me to wriggle out of it. And I happen to be quite good at it, being fairly flexible and having delicate wrists. I was out in moments.

Kiana's partner, who happens to be quite good with rope, tied me up next, and while it took me a bit longer I was out again fairly quickly. I doubt he was really trying to stop me, but it would have been a lot more satisfying if he was ... though also probably impossible. A third tie, with my hands and feet together in front of me, and the Satyr decided to try and distract me from escaping. Which he did very well! But still I got free! I am the Teeny Houdini!

Once Dee had had her fill, I got to take her place. Kiana's partner was testing a theory that any implement of torture, if used correctly and with the right measure of force, can be used on anyone. Being particularly sensitive, I turned out to be the perfect test subject. There were some strikes that, if I had not been so over-whelmed with other rapid-succession sensations and already quite spaced, I probably would have safe-worded on. I've certainly not been pushed to such a level, by anyone. It actually felt good.

Around midnight, after ten hours, a night was called, toys were packed and the room put back together. It is something that I dearly hope we will be able to repeat at some point in the not-too-distant future, especially since I didn't get to use everything in my toybag!