Better to have loved and lost ...

I have shed yet more tears in mourning for that which never was and never can be. The one I have been pining after for two years was married earlier this week.

It wasn't the great heart-rending discovery that it might have been, but it was still a kick in the guts. I have been trying to purge him from my heart and my mind for nearly a year, and still hardly a day goes by that I do not think of him. He is one that lives his life without fear, and now that is a lesson that I will never learn from him. And I have never been more terrified. Is it even possible for another to exist who can inflame me the way he did?

I've been given a reminder of what passion feels like - lips on my breast, hands carressing about my waist, over my ass. It's well past time that I re-entered the social BDSM scene. I'm just not sure I remember how.

Oh there's a breadcrumb trail for him to find to this blog, but I am certain that he will never follow. He was never even vaguely interested. I just wish he'd just come out and said that at the start.

Self-Inflicted

I have to wonder if anyone still reads this blog. I post so infrequently lately.

There's a reason for that: I'm still single.

It's annoying, and lonely, and the general response I get when I whine about being single is "well, you're doing it to yourself". Which is completely true; I've had ... five, six, maybe seven offers, I've lost count. I've turned them all down because I just didn't feel a spark, not the slightest inkling of attraction. Even if the relationship grew a hundred fold in a week, a hundred times nothing is still nothing.

My sexuality has definitely had to take a back seat this year. There has been so much other stuff I have had to devote my time and energy to that I couldn't maintain a relationship, let alone make a concerted effort to start one. But this certainly doesn't mean I've turned asexual.

The truth is, it is apparently impossible to be single and socially sexual. Even before I stopped going to munches in favour of other persuits, people had stopped inviting me to parties. Singles not welcome, apparently. There are no kinky events aimed at single folk, despite my suggestions when I was in a position to try to make them happen. My heterosexuality seems to put off my female friends from even sexy movie nights, and casual sexual encounters with the few (VERY few) friends I feel close enough with to actually make the approach have not manifested.

It's incredibly frustrating, trying to be an openly sexual person, while waiting for the right Master.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.

... But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." -Paulo Coelho

Only now that I'm so close to seeing him again do I feel like I am actually capable of, one day, moving on. I can never forget, for even though I knew him for so brief a time, he had such an impact on my life, in a positive way. But I cannot wait for something that may never come.

He showed me what to look for. Now I just have to find it again.

Hello 2011!

I'm so glad that 2010 is over. It brought me a lot of growth and a lot of realisations, but it has not been an easy year.

I expect 2011 to also not be an easy year. There will be lots of changes that I can already predict, and no doubt others that I don't even have an inkling of.

I tend to make simple resolutions - it helps me remember and stick to them. Last year I didn't even have one, I was just letting the year come as it would. This year, I would very much like to live my way. You'd think this would be an easy thing to do, but not for me. There have always been restrictions and barriers that I could not alter. This year, I'm tearing some down, perhaps enough to finally figure out how I want to live and to add a bit of the fun and freedom to my life I've been aching for.

I happened to be reading my mini-bio to the right there ... the one you all see when you come to my blog and which I hardly pay any attention to. I mention wanting to share here what I felt was stifled elsewhere. Then this blog got stifled too, by the fear of sharing too much, and not wanting my previous Master to see just what I was thinking and feeling ... that right there should have been a big warning. Honestly, a lot of the time that's missing wasn't that great. I shouldn't have to care who follows this.

So, here's to a year that's worth recording.

I'm Emotional

And I'm tired of being punished for that fact.

Also, I'm an emotional vampire. Or maybe mirror, I don't know. I tend to reflect and experience what others around me are feeling.

I need to stop dating unhappy people.

So, its been a while ...

So long a while, I almost forgot my password.

So much has happened in the past ... nineteen and a half months, wow.

I was in a long term relationship which I knew would end, and in which I didn't even love.

I found that straightjackets, rubber, and chastity belts are definitely not for me, among other things.

My emotional fragility and rawness, when I drop the shields in collar, was made very very clear.

I know that the animal in me reeeaaaally wants to get out.

I helped build and then stepped away from multiple BDSM community projects. The next I make will be my vision, though I know I will need help.

And I got to find out what it means to actually WANT someone ... and not have them. It made clear that I have never actually wanted anyone before. And I am terrified that it will never happen again.

I make no promises, but I am still here.

Double HNT: Happy Holidays!

Because I was slack/busy/disorganised so much last thrusday (Christmas Day!) you get the one I was intending to post last week! Lucky you!

The theme last week was three wishes. A potent and loaded theme. But to be simple, here are my wishes for you, all my readers: good friends, good food, and cheer. I got something of each this Christmas, and I hope you did too.

To grant three different wishes however, I offer you this gift. Phoenix Aflame, myself, and Dee. Three girls to fulfill three very different fantasies. Are you dreaming yet?





For the year's favourite ... I actually have no idea what to post, there are some beautiful photos posted here (to be modest for a moment). So instead, I'll let you choose. Cast your vote for your favourite HNT, the one that sticks in your memory and that you don't have to go fishing for, and I shall post a slight variation of it (or the same again if you really want).